cancry | time ticks on

"Ah–?"

The little noise that slips out of her seems more like sincere confusion and surprise than anything else. She really hadn't been sure what she'd expected to hear after making her way up here but his question clearly catches her off guard. She opens her mouth then closes it again and swallows as she searches for a response.

"I haven't... lied." she begins tentatively, and though she pauses as if to leave it there, the tone of her voice makes it clear there's a but coming. "I was scared to– to try and explain it, so I... didn't."

"You've seemed terribly afraid of us, for being your friends and allies. For being your Executors." Hers, specifically. She made them so, after all. It was their choice in the end, but what real choice had they?

"You could tell us the truth. Explain things as you understand them. What's the harm?"

"But it's been so long, hasn't it?! When you keep something secret like this for so long... it does turn into a lie, doesn't it?" Rei's voice cracks a little, not quite shrill but getting close to that sort of intensity as she clasps her hands tight in front of her – like that might keep them from shaking. "But I never meant to..."

She's never wanted to feel like they were being tricked or misled. She knows that between becoming an Executor and going mad in the isolation of Purgatory, the choice she offers them is no choice at all. But for some reason she can't explain, it seems vitally important that she does offer the choice, as if she had never been given it in the first place.

She swallows, tries to steady herself a little and continues. "But it's... the butterflies that we found. The ones everyone was so sure were my memories."

Gargoyle man becomes more gargoyle as he crouches down to her level, actually looks at her and her cracking and her panic that she tries so very hard to swallow.

"They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions." With a 'everything the light touches' kind of sweep of an arm to indicate the space they can see from up here: "We're certainly well on our way. Tell me about the butterflies, then. You told us that as we've found them, you haven't been getting the memories back. They might not, in fact, be your memories at all."

He leans a little closer. "They belong to someone else, don't they." He doesn't phrase it as a question. "And you know who."

She can't quite bring herself to lift her head and meet his gaze but she inclines her head to the side, in a 'yes and no' sort of gesture. Really, she has no way of knowing this for certain anyway but... as an Executor, you gradually learn to trust your instincts on these sort of things.

"I don't know who she is... or was." she begins tentatively. "But... have you seen that butterfly that followed Ariel down when she came to find us again?"

"Mmmm, the one that seems to harbor a personality all its own, for as much as a spectral butterfly can? Some manifestation of this girl who won't simply disappear."

It doesn't surprise him that Rei says she doesn't know who the girl was. Whether to believe that or not is still up in the air. "Have you spoken with it?"

She shakes her head – then pauses. "Not... exactly. I tried once or twice after she said my name, but... she didn't say anything to me. But she's normally so quiet as it is, I can't tell if she can't talk, or..."

She trails off, but the implied end of her sentence speaks pretty clearly for itself; maybe this girl doesn't want to speak with Rei. She has no idea what she could have done but seeing someone reduced to such a state, barely able to get words out... it doesn't conjure any pleasant images.

Rei shakes her head again, though this time it's more to rattle away the unpleasant thoughts bubbling up. "Well. Either way, we haven't talked."

"It's entirely possible you did something terrible to her."

He says it so casually. Like it isn't cruel. Like it seems entirely within the realm of possibility that Rei could do something terrible.

"I have a question for you, dear, and I would be delighted if you were honest with me in your answer. What do you think is going to happen when we reach the Cogs?"

She flinches as if he'd passed a hand just shy of striking her face, but she doesn't protest. How can she, when she knows he's right? She just about dares peek up to try and meet his gaze but finds that she can't – shameful as it is, it's easier to hang her head.

"I... I don't know anymore." Her voice is quiet but up here, just the two of them, it carries all the same. "I really thought I did when this all started, I thought we could fix things and everyone could leave but..."

Her voice trembles and she doesn't quite make it to the end of her sentence.

"But?" His voice lilts the word somehow in a sing-song tone in spite of being only one syllable. "But?" he prompts further still. "Why, whatever changed your mind? Did you realize that you might not be able to leave? Did you perhaps come to some understanding that should we leave, you might be all alone?"

"What–?"

She doesn't flinch this time, but she just start, clearly taken aback. Whatever line of thought she'd cut off, it clearly wasn't that. The surprise of it makes it easier for her to lift her head and look at him with an expression of confusion - and concern.

One foot skims back a little, not quite stepping away but allowing her to put just a fraction of space between the two of them. This... is still Chiron, isn't it?

"I... I was scared I might not know how to fix things, even though I acted like I was so sure– I n–never thought–"

It...it surely is still Chiron, sometimes, isn't it? Yes, he's still Chiron. No, he isn't; he's the monster, the ▮▮▮▮▮ that has been haunting the outskirts of his spotted memory for an age.

Rei moves, just a hair, just enough, and he frowns. No. Chiron. Surely.

"None of us have had any idea what we're doing; we are simply doing. But you're the one with all the power. You make Executors; you give us the symbol emblazoned on our bodies. We've been in this together the entire time, knowing we would face what's down there together, that we would figure it out together. We may not even fix the Cogs at all, did you know? We could instead...we could instead become, collectively, the Authority of Purgatory. We can reshape this place."

But that's not the point. Not really. "How much do you know of our little bird friend? Of Panta Rhei."

At the sound of her name, Rei tenses up. Her expression isn't angry, exactly, but it's the expression of a girl unexpectedly faced with something... unpleasant.

"... I don't know much. But there's things I've... guessed." Her lips pull into a tight, almost bitter smile that doesn't suit her at all – but for a disquieting moment makes her look so very much like the very girl they're discussing, just like all the times she has looked so much like Rei in turn. "She has my face. Or... I think I must have her face. From the way she talks and how it feels to be near her... she came first, didn't she? A long, long time ago."

An understatement, if ever there was one.

Mmm. Change the hair, crack the face, and a splitting image of that sardonic little smile on Birdie stands before him.

"You are," he starts with surprising delicacy given his crueler reactions just a few moments ago, "her heart, in a sense that is nearly literal. You care. Too much. Which is dangerous for someone who can't possibly have a life with other people and form connections."

". . . Her what?"

She's staring at him with total bafflement all over her face. It's not disbelief, exactly (because how can you disbelieve anything with Purgatory as strange as it is) but a lack of understanding as to what that even means – or how it could even be possible in the first place.

"But... I'm right here. And... she's still here. So how can I be...?"

"Is that the part out of all of this that's hardest to believe? I know not the means by which she split herself in two, though I suspect her particular sword might have a part to play in that. One can live, so to speak, without heart."

He opens his hand, motions slowly between them. "You are her heart that cared too much, and we are now, as well, part of your heart."

Her gaze drops again. It does make sense – it would explain why she knows as much as she does about Purgatory (even though at times it feels like frightfully little) and why she alone has the power to bring new Executors into their fold. Does that make her some sort Authority then, separate from the shared Authority they'd won from Esme all that time ago?

She swallows hard.

"... do you really think, then... if we do repair the Cogs – even if we fix everything – will I still be... here? When the rest of you move on... I'll have to stay behind?"

And isn't that so terribly earnest.

He believes it, at least. That she really hadn't considered that. Which then presumes beyond that that there was never some nefarious plot to keep them here as her friends forever.

█████ inside of him, the thing, the monster, the beast, the forgotten, the unloved, the left behind, growls something fierce. Chiron seems to crumple in on himself. He is so tired. He is so tired of this back and forth, and every memory he makes himself look at only intensifies the exhaustion. If only--

"I'm afraid," voice weary, "that you are as much a part of this place as she is. You did not live. There is unlikely any chance for you to move to a new life, then." It's hard to look at her, now. He stares below, shoulders slumped, arms wrapped about his knees. Teetering on an edge that will do nothing to him.

"Perhaps we should speak to the others. About you, and her. And the possibility of avoiding such a lonely fate."

"Ah–"

Though she had been the one to step back from him before, now Rei is the one stepping forward, hands reaching out as if to grab hold of him and restrain him, like he's about to march off and start talking to the others right this second.

"W–wait... when you say we'll talk to them... do you mean we're going to tell them everything?"

"Whyever would we keep anything from them at this point?" A glance to her. And her outstretched hands. "You think they'll turn on you. Abandon you."

The irony. He's torn. Because he knows they won't. They've all collectively done this song and dance before; they will stay by her side through it all.

His life tells him otherwise. That they'll abandon her just as easily as they trusted her.

"N–no, but..."

Or so she tries to say, but the way her eyes slide away from his makes it clear her answer is yes, actually.

"I kept things from them. And I... let them all pity me and care for me because of what they thought had happened to me, even though I should've known better. At the very least, they'll be angry with me."

"And?" he prompts.

"And then what? Some will be angry." Phoenix will not, annoyingly. Wolfsbane and Sword, perhaps. Medic and Veil will be mindlessly uncaring. "Is your skin so paper thin that it cannot take a single negative glance your direction? Would it not be worse to keep lying to them?"

"I–I know it would be, but...!"

She tries to meet his gaze again, but she finds she's not quite able to do it and they flick away to the horizon.

"... I'm scared. And... I don't even know how to start explaining it to them."

"From the top is the usual way to do it."

He unfolds himself again, stretching up fingers high (do some joints pop look shh maybe) and up on his toes, before relaxing again and taking a deep breath.

"Look at it this way: it's going to come out sooner or later. When do you think it would be better? Sooner, while we're collectively waiting with bated breath to altogether descend into whatever new madness awaits us, or later when we're standing before the Cogs you told us about in the first place so long ago when we entrusted ourselves to you?"

"... I'm being unfair, aren't I?"

They've placed so much trust in her – they've had to, because who else did they even have in Purgatory? And here Rei is, thinking the worst of them, refusing to give them any of that trust in return. Before he can give her a response, Rei takes a deep breath of her own and tries her best to steel herself a little.

"I... want to tell them. I don't understand all of it, but if we all talk about it together... I'm sure we can come up with an answer."

time ticks on

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject