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[limbo] // do you walk in the valley of kings
[To cast out the Usurper and usher in dawn's light will cost the life of the Chosen. The voice that had shaken him down to the very core of his existence still echoed in Phoenix's head, words utter nonsense to him now and yet...something about them hurt more than he could measure. Hurt like the gravest news about a dearest friend, hurt like something tearing at his heart and soul. Though the details were lost in a haze of a previous life's memories, he understood the bottom line. One life, the one dearest to the man Phoenix once was, would have to be sacrificed to protect all else-]
[Don't try to justify this! She didn't need to die!]
[Hurt like the agonized rage in that snarl, thundering fury to match the torrential rain around them. The fury of someone who had lost everything, someone--someone whose name he should have known, whose loss he understood and yet couldn't remember the source of. That woman--no, his sister, something terrible had become of her and nearly become of someone just as close to Phoenix's own heart. Everything came in flashes; a man in white and a sword flashing with lightning, faces he failed to recognize and one he knew already. The man in black that had posed briefly as another was a danger above all others, and somehow in the chaos of memory Phoenix understood his past self had known that. 'Oh, what good is a world that only ever lets you down', said the mocking tone, a knife toyed with idly above the unconscious form of...of someone. Someone that meant everything, someone that Phoenix would gladly die to protect.]
[...Maybe he would, the relic of untold power in his hand before he had fully consider what he was doing. It didn't matter. it didn't matter at all what happened to him, because he had sworn-]
[Whatever it takes...I will protect him-!]
[In a memory of rain-soaked stone, the world erupted in flames and agony before going dark forever.]
[In a kitchen in Limbo, there was a clattering of whatever Phoenix had been holding falling to the floor before he very swiftly followed it.]
[Don't try to justify this! She didn't need to die!]
[Hurt like the agonized rage in that snarl, thundering fury to match the torrential rain around them. The fury of someone who had lost everything, someone--someone whose name he should have known, whose loss he understood and yet couldn't remember the source of. That woman--no, his sister, something terrible had become of her and nearly become of someone just as close to Phoenix's own heart. Everything came in flashes; a man in white and a sword flashing with lightning, faces he failed to recognize and one he knew already. The man in black that had posed briefly as another was a danger above all others, and somehow in the chaos of memory Phoenix understood his past self had known that. 'Oh, what good is a world that only ever lets you down', said the mocking tone, a knife toyed with idly above the unconscious form of...of someone. Someone that meant everything, someone that Phoenix would gladly die to protect.]
[...Maybe he would, the relic of untold power in his hand before he had fully consider what he was doing. It didn't matter. it didn't matter at all what happened to him, because he had sworn-]
[Whatever it takes...I will protect him-!]
[In a memory of rain-soaked stone, the world erupted in flames and agony before going dark forever.]
[In a kitchen in Limbo, there was a clattering of whatever Phoenix had been holding falling to the floor before he very swiftly followed it.]
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You usually have very fluid, controlled movements. As a soldier I can't help but notice such things- right now you are jerky and overly aggressive. Am I wrong? You're upset.
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[Phoenix shook his head and set the knife down, pressing a hand to his face.]
...'Isn't like me', whatever sense does that make? I don't even know who I am, whoever is to say what is or isn't like me at all?
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Phoenix...
[He comes closer, making sure to be a little louder than he usually would with Phoenix- he's distracted enough that he doesn't want to startle him]
You may not know who you were, but you know who you are right this moment. What you feel and sense around you- you are here, right now, at this point.
[He remembers him and Mona both centering him when he remembered Duscur- shaking memories off can be difficult]
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[Amidst everything else, none of which was any small thing to contend with, that was what bothered Phoenix the most. Why had understanding that person's fate hurt beyond comparison or explanation? Why had he so readily thrown away everything for the chance to keep that person safe? Who was he, and why did the mere idea of losing him feel like something was torn out of his chest?]
The person I was would have given everything for him without an instant's second thought. And I don't...even know who he was. I don't know who he was, Lion,
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'Did he lose someone he loved?']
Does not knowing change the feelings you have about him? Your dedication?
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[Phoenix himself didn't fully understand what lines of thought were tangled in his mind. He took a slow breath, taking his sunglasses off and slowly collecting himself.]
The person I was wouldn't be turned from that dedication for anything. It's because of that--at least, in part--which makes me so ill at ease. I can feel those same sentiments even now, and yet know nothing of the one they are directed towards. I know only his station and appearance, yet I know that what that person did to protect him was right.
It...feels a terrible betrayal, to have forgotten him now.
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[He sighs, and lightly touches Phoenix's shoulder]
But if you've remembered him even this small amount, then perhaps you will remember more. It's your duty to survive until you do.
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'Survive' is an odd choice of words, given the situation.
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Perhaps. But you know what I mean. Our sense of self is precious- something most of the others here don't have. We CAN progress. The fact that you can suffer from it is just proof of that.
[Chiron told him... or well, Ruin, that.]
As long as we are suffering, we can redeem ourselves and deserve to move on- so that guilt, while it hurts, is also precious.
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[(It was terribly Lucian, not that Phoenix knew. He might never have truly grasped it, but he had surely known at one point.)]
...I suppose you've some point, yes. My apologies, I...have a fair amount of things to consider today.
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[He'd already said more than he wanted to, and at this point what was one step further?]
Say that you wished to trust someone, and then realized that perhaps...at one point, they had been a drastically different individual. Would you still endeavor to treat them as a companion, or would you consider the notion they might be a threat?
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[He frowns deeply]
That depends. If I discovered a friend of mine perhaps had done some horrific crime, it would be foolish to ignore it. People can change but... only so much. If they showed true remorse I suppose I would be willing to listen.
But... if I found out someone I trusted had betrayed me in some way, I could not forgive them.
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Either way, it would be...difficult, to look at someone like that and not harbor doubts.
[Beat.]
Figuratively. [PHOENIX.]
1/2
.....
[He makes a strained noise. Almost sounding like he's dying.]
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Phoenix?!!
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Yes, Lion?
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[Said while half choking on his own spit]
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