cancry | It's alright if you don't know what you need

It's alright if you don't know what you need

[He knows he can't just walk away from the meeting and go back to hiding, running from his problems, pretending like it hasn't affected him. So as the meeting winds down Ruin, as subtly as he can manage especially after Wolfsbane called him out, just snags Lion's hand on the way out of the mansion. A weak smile, still looking rather dejected, but he nods in the direction of the train. Not to go up to Limbo, where a lot of the others are going, but... back down into Avaritia.]

Too many people up there... I... thought we could go to your apartment?

[Because they obviously need to talk, that's a given at this point. Ruin just doesn't want to be overheard.]

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[He's quiet for a long, long moment, looking horribly guilty and upset.]

........ the King.

I see...

[Something itches at his mind- he has facts: he is likely royalty, something Bad happened in both their memories. His brow furrows as if thinking deeply... then he hisses, rubbing his temple with his free hand]

Ah, excuse me- my.... migraines have been setting off suddenly as of late. You... it would certainly be a greater disrespect to collapse at the funeral of a King, would it not?

[Ruin shifts again, closer still, gradually drawing his feet out of Lion's lap so he can lean against his side, sliding his fingers into pale strands and rubbing his fingertips in gentle circles above his temple.]

Maybe? I dunno if I'd have survived the ride across the territory to the capital but... [But he still blamed himself for not being there for his friends.] But, nothing. It doesn't matter, not if you're head's hurting again. C'mere

[And Ruin will try to draw him in close, to stroke his hair and soothe the tension in his neck and scalp with gentle movements.]

It does matter...

[It's more a whine than a demand though, too weakened by Ruin tending to his head to really fight him on this.]

Edited 2021-02-07 01:13 (UTC)

[Ruin shushes him gently, coaxing the other man to settle back against his chest so he can just pet him and try to soothe the headache as best he can.]

Not anymore, right?

That is unfair, using my own logic against me.

[he IS relaxing a bit under the attention though]

Is it?

[A soft chuckle just behind his ear and then Ruin dips his head to press a warm kiss against the other's neck.]

It is, as well as distracting me.

[there's a smile in his tone though. Until...]

They began the same way as your frostbite. I remembered what caused it and then... this. They came with... my rage. My fits. There is a madness in my brain that presses against my skull- like your feet it is not so easily healed. Not even by kind hands.

[do you see what he's saying, Ruin?]

[Ruin is quiet for a long moment after that, slowly working at the tension in Lion's shoulders, soothing the worst of it away with hands gradually warmed with a touch of magical heat.]

But... there are things that can be done to make it more manageable, isn't there? Like this to help you relax, maybe pain killers to ease the worst of it? Do you remember what was done to help with it... before?

Ah... most didn't know. Or at least, I do not think they knew? There was someone with me at all times, but my memory of them is largely missing. If I recall them I may have a better idea but... I remember largely just enduring it.

[He looks like he wants to say more but is resisting]

Lion... that's no way to live, though. "Just enduring it"? what the hell?

[Ruin's hands move to tip Lion's head back against his shoulder a little, enough to meet his gaze, earnest and concerned.]

You wouldn't accept that from any one of us so why do you think I'm going to accept it from you? We can at least try.

[he allows his head to be lulled back, eye darting back and forth]

If I argue the hypocrisy here we will get nowhere, will we?

[he sighs]

It is, was, not so simple. If it was only pain and the fits of rage it could perhaps just be written off as some physical ailment. But... there were, are, things I must do. Things I can not if others around me know the extent of it.

Things you must do? Still?

[Ruin keeps stroking his hair but he also tips Lion's head slightly to brush a kiss along his jaw. Soothing, gentle, some vague reminder that he can trust him.]

You think I would stop you?

I do not think you could.

[Said with a dark certainty]

And... yes, even now. It is the dead I was striving for- why would dying myself end that? Even now I hear their screams and demands.

[He's certainly not being literal...?]

The dead...?

[Soft and confused. That doesn't make any sense.]

I'm sorry, I'm rambling.

[He chews his lips enough to make his dry skin flake]

When I lived, when I was a child... I saw something horrific. I don't remember who the people were to me, but I saw them die brutally. And I remember... them begging and demanding I avenge them. When I remembered later in my life I was still searching out those that caused that tragedy without any success.

I wish I could say I must have managed it before I died. But once I remembered the event... I could hear their cries all over again. Any time I am alone for long, or when I close my eyes to sleep. I must have failed.

Edited 2021-02-10 02:18 (UTC)

[Ruin is quiet for a long moment after that, just trying to process exactly what he's saying. His hands never stop their gentle motion in his hair.]

Lion... I... don't think that's how it works. Not that I don't believe you, that's not what I'm saying. I just... we don't remember our lives, never mind being able to communicate with the living.

We may be dead but we needn't be haunted. Maybe... maybe the man you were believed what these voices told him but... there's no one here but us. You know that.

[A soft, apologetic little kiss to his temple.]

[He's trembling now- having seen it up close Ruin can probably recognize a fit coming.]

Can you be so sure? These titles, these regrets, hang like albatross around our necks. Is it so impossible that those that died before us are the same? That they are trapped outside the Cogs with nothing but memories of their suffering to cling to? Wouldn't you too wail for release if you could?

[he laughs bitterly]

... the only other option is that I really am insane.

[Ruin stares down at him for a moment, all those soothing touches and careful gentle words clearly not doing a damned thing to ease him back from this particular edge. So the redhead shifts tactics to take a different approach. It's surprisingly easy, really. Rolling his shoulder to let Lion's head and shoulders fall away from his support, lifting his hips to dump the blond off his lap and instead higher up onto the couch, grabbing one leg as he twists to slam his forearm against the arm of the couch above Lion's head, hovering over him, expression stern and unyielding.]

No. You're not insane, Lion. But you're also not special. You don't get to make a martyr out of yourself because you were hurt in your life and it messed you up. It happens. I don't know if you've noticed but everyone's lives sucked.

No one else is listening to the demands of ghosts or hearing voices or do shit that makes no sense because you decided it's your responsibility alone to deal with it? Fuck that. We're a team, you guys dragged me into this and now you have to deal with it. It's not on you. It's not on me. It's on all of us and if this is messing with your head that much then we all need to figure a way to help you manage it.

[His words are harsh sure, but it's stupid for Lion to sit here and act all tragic and "chosen" to suffer because some other dead assholes decided to talk shit.]

Goddess, you're such an idiot. We're all dead, Lion.... Why are they more important than us?

[It happens so fast that Lion is utterly flabbergasted (and for a brief moment blushes before his brain realizes what Ruin is actually saying. Somehting to ponder later) and simply has to sit and take it, his eye wide and darting here and there, unable to look at Ruin directly until near the end of his rant]

I...

[And a wretched noise bubbles out of his throat, like a dying thing]

Ruin I... f-forgive me- my intention was to... to ease your suffering, not turn it around on myself. And... I...

[He can't help it, he's crying now, his breath coming in hot rapid bursts]

Godess... I am a fool... was that man really so lacking in allies that I couldn't see what I have?

[it doesn't feel right- he knows those missing faces were dear to him- but maybe it was his station that caused it? or his own stubbornness. He drops his head down into his hands]

[Part of him feels terrible for making him cry but at the same time... he needs to relinquish some of the weight he continues to pile upon his own shoulders. If allowing himself to have moments of weakness will help him do that then Ruin is only too glad to help. He settles his weight over Lion, still supporting himself just enough that the blond will be able to breathe through his tears.]

Hey... shhh it's going to be okay. [His free hand settles on Lion's chest, stroking soothing circles, gently trying to encourage him to keep breathing instead of fighting not to cry.] You're not alone, Lion. You don't have to carry these burdens alone either.

You know any one of us would do everything we could to help you. Just because there's no treatment for my feet doesn't mean there's nothing that can be done for you. It's a completely different thing. Yeah?

[He can probably feel the massive scar under his shirt- where he saw his Executor mark was. Lion's breath is ragged but constant, at least]

You fool... you say these things yet so casually deny yourself the same things. We are both idiots cut from the same cloth, aren't we?

[He huffs out a strained laugh, shaking his head a little before leaning down to press his forehead to Lion's, a gentle nudge.]

Maybe we are. Maybe that's just how things used to work.

[But he's glad Lion's told him about this, even if he is still so upset. ]

Perhaps... but we're not there, are we?

[Something a little hopeful in his tone]

We're not. Those stupid rules don't apply down here.

[Ruin tips his head just a little, a gentle brush of lips. Lion gets flustered so easily he doesn't want to make things worse. It's meant to be comforting, like all of his touches since the blond began to cry.]

If nothing else... we can be fools together, yeah?

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crypddyd - 2021-02-12 15:08 (UTC) - Expand

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