cancry | time ticks on

[Medic is the same as always, because of course she is. Nothing gets her down, not when there's science to do! And she sure is doing it- her tests with Mantle have been going so well, and she's taking copious notes on anything and everything as per usual.]

[Except...]

[While she's flitting to and fro, someone paying attention might notice that she stops, every so often. Just slows down and stares into the distance, quietly lost in thought, before shaking herself out of it.]

[She seems more hesitant around the others, too- hanging back in a doorway before coming in to join her fellow Executors, less quick to speak up or reach out.]

[But it's probably fine, isn't it? It's not like she can be hurt...]

[It takes a while for Wolfsbane to recover after she wore herself out in Luxuria, which might be a reason she's not immediately demanding everything she wants. But then, she hasn't been doing well for a while, has she? Maybe it's that that makes her stop and approach Medic herself.]

What is it? Something's going on with you.

[Bless your blunt honesty, Wolfsbane. Medic looks awkwardly torn between the desire to stomp her feelings down like all the adults in her afterlife have modeled for her constantly and her own total inability to convincingly lie.]

[...also she just doesn't want to be dishonest with Wolfsbane. She's her friend, it feels wrong to lie to her.]

I just remembered a... [She rubs one arm absently, looking pensive.] ...how do you know if you maybe did something bad?

...I suppose it depends. If you thought you had to, or that it wouldn't matter anyway if you succeeded, or all manner of things, it might not mean it's good.

[She looks out at the populated living room and then back at Medic.]

We ought to take this elsewhere, don't you think?

[Medic winces and nods.] That might be better, yes.

[She quietly leads the way into one of the less-used side hallways and sits down on a windowsill.]

The problem is that I don't know what I did, or what really happened. If what I remember hearing was right, then I did something really terrible- but if it was wrong, then something terrible still happened, and I don't know why!

[She gestures aimlessly with her hands while she talks, trying to put a shape around something too big and scary and frustrating to look directly at.]

...I'm not explaining this well, am I.

Perhaps not, but I suppose you can't be blamed for that much.

[It's awkward, she's clearly not used to saying things like this, but she leans against the wall and folds her arms.]

What did it look like, then? Whether you did it or it was someone else.

It looks like- [She's picking out the words carefully, like someone walking on a rocky shore, trying not to turn an ankle.] -sitting alone in an empty classroom, at school, the same age I look now. I'm sitting with my back to the door, eating lunch, listening to my classmates on the other side.

I don't think they knew I was there, because they were talking about me.

[Even when your school is meant to train kids with superpowers to fight monsters, there's always going to be campus gossip. It's impossible to stop.]

And about my family.

[She slowly looks up, meeting Wolfsbane's eyes.]

I think they made it here before I did. And it might be my fault.

Edited 2022-09-22 22:30 (UTC)

[Wolfsbane's pupils shrink. She closes her eyes and shakes her head, breathes in and out. Finally, she opens her eyes again and looks back at Medic.]

They said it was you, then? And you don't remember if it was or wasn't. If they'd just made it up.

[She nods miserably.]

I don't want to believe them- but I don't know! I can't just decide something isn't true because I don't want it to be, can I?

[She's hugging herself, fingers unconsciously gripping at her own arms hard enough to make her knuckles white, the pressure grounding her thoughts.]

Looking at just the data, the facts- what I do know... [Medic looks quietly grim.] I'm pretty sure they were right about them being dead, at least.

I've gotten plenty memories back, but not even one with my family in it after I was a little kid. I know I didn't see my parents a lot already, and sometimes er-jie would go off on her own for a while or da-jie would be really busy with school, but- I was living alone in an apartment. There was only room for one person, and the only numbers in my phone were the Indian takeout place and poison control.

[She's trying to be rational and objective about a very emotional topic, with mixed success.]

Da-jie would have called at least once in eight years... I'm almost sure...

But if they really thought I did something to them, it doesn't make sense that I'd just be there at school, either! [One hand tugs at her hair, frustrated.] I never studied law, but I'm pretty sure you go to jail for that!

Estella was a good school, they were picky about applications. Even my test scores couldn't be good enough to get them to let in a convicted- felon. [There's a heartbeat of hesitation where she very obviously flinches back from saying "murderer".]

Edited 2022-09-23 00:06 (UTC)

[Wolfsbane watches Medic try not to break down, her own eyes clouding. She listens, processing it. Not just what she's saying, but how she's saying it. She almost speaks, but something makes her hold back. Instead, eventually, she'll reach out a hand and grab Medic's hand from pulling at her own hair.]

Medic, whatever they said about you would've clearly just been a rumour. You just said the school wouldn't let you in if you'd been convicted. If they are gone, and you were the only one left, that's a conclusion they drew, probably because they didn't like you or some such nonsense, but it needn't be the only one available. You're the most intelligent person I know -- surely you know that much.

And besides, even if you had done it, you'd be far from the only one among the Executors who's harmed or even killed people. Yet somehow most of us at least tolerate one another.

[Medic blinks, startled, as the sudden unexpected touch snaps her out of her growing mental spiral- but she doesn't pull her hand away from Wolfsbane's.]

Why wouldn't we? You're all amazing. [Spoken reflexively and with total sincerity, as though there's no question about it in her mind: the sky is blue, the vena cava is next to the aorta, and her friends are incredible. To her, this is simply fact.]

You're probably right... and I really hope you are. I think it's the not knowing that bothers me the most- if we know something happened, and we're pretty sure it wasn't me... then what did?

And whatever killed them, why didn't it happen to me, too? [Sure, she's hard to kill- her powers have always seen to that. But anything she can heal in herself, she should be able to heal in others. What happened to them, that she couldn't fix?]

I still don't know how I even died, but eight years is a long time...

It could well be you weren't there. Simple luck. But even if you had done it, you'd have had a reason. I certainly don't expect you to go around attacking us or any such nonsense.

[She's about to say more, but something flashes across her eyes, and she looks away, distracted. Shakes her head, not letting go of Medic, calmly pulling her hand out of her hair.]

If I'd done it, and told you... I don't know how you'd react. Amazing or not. But what you're telling me doesn't even prove you did it in the first place, and if you had, I'm sure there would've been an explanation anyway. You know me. You know what I've done, how I'd throw away people who weren't useful anymore, how I don't even know what was going through my head or what was pushing me to be that way. But whatever thing got into me, it's not going to make me abandon you. And if I won't, this bunch of bleeding hearts who cling to anyone who smiles at them certainly won't.

[Medic being herself, she actually gives the question of what she'd do genuine consideration.] I think... if you told me you'd done that, I'd trust you to have a reason, too. And if you didn't know what it was, I'd try to help you find it.

[Her smile is a small, tentative thing, so different from her usual cheery grins- but it's there and it's real. Sometimes you just need a foundation to build on, somewhere to start so you can keep going.]

I'm really glad I met you all. I don't know what's going to happen next, but I think we're definitely going to make the afterlife a lot more interesting!

[Wolfsbane thinks about this, but at the second part, she smirks, holding Medic's hand between them.]

I should hope the good kind of interesting, and not this nonsense we've been dealing with for the past few layers that set out to drive us to break. Honestly, I'm not sure some of our number haven't. It's a good thing we've got you about.

It hasn't beaten us yet, though! [Take that, Purgatory. You've been a real bitch these last few months, but they're still kicking.]

You can bring me anything broken, and I'll do my best to put it back together! ...Well, anything organic. I'm not an engineer.

[She did fix the TV once, but mostly just by smacking it until the screen cleared up.]

Living things are pretty stubborn, even once they're dead! It's pretty hard to stop life from going on somehow, no matter what you do to it.

Good. We've got enough to worry about without that. And you've already done very well with healing and with all your experiments.

...It's strange. I know part of it must be that whatever had its hold on me when I was alive is gone now. But I don't feel the same way I did then, about everybody being only as good as they are useful. Do you remember what you said about not abandoning anybody, because you'd miss them?

[She blushes a little, pleased at the compliment, and then nods thoughtfully at the question.]

That was... back when we first got down to Avaritia, right?

I believe so. But I'd remembered something -- throwing out a follower who'd been eliminated in GRANBELM, because that meant she wasn't useful to me anymore. And I've remembered doing much worse since. I've been thinking about it for some time now. Something was pushing me. Not just what people were doing and saying, but something else too, that I haven't felt since I woke up here. I told Chiron about it, but he wasn't helpful at all -- not that I should've been all that surprised. He seems to delight in my misery.

But regardless of what was pushing me to treat the people around me like that and throw them away when I was done with them, I still did it, didn't I? And you seem to like me well enough. By that logic, you ought to at least have some fondness for yourself, who can't even be proven to have done anything. Honestly, now.

time ticks on

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