cancry | Avaritia Arrival Log

[ He sighs, releasing some of the tension from his shoulders. ]

I... suppose so. And in the end they were quite pleased with the results so it was ultimately... fine.

[ Pretty rad having your life span tripled and looking like a bunch of dragons and phoenixes and all other sorts of shit.

He pinches the bridge of his nose. ]

I must apologize... I am sure all of this must sound like the ramblings of one who has completely lost their mind.

[He lays a hand on Beast's knee.] Dear, we're in the afterlife as part of a small group of spiritual amnesiacs with fantastical powers roving through layers connected by stairs that are meant to showcase aspects of sinful behavior in order to make reincarnation work again.

I think it sounds perfectly reasonable.

[ Okay that gets a small laugh and a smile from him. ]

Well when you put it that way, I supposes it does, doesn't it?

You see? We likely all have wildly implausible stories in our lives. There's a fun to it, potentially.

"Fun" is... certainly a word for it.

[ He looks down though and soon enough the smile is gone. ]

...If I am being completely honest though, all of this... is not entirely why I have been thinking that a name change may be in order. It's alarming, yes, but I could deal with the title if it were just that. It's not what makes the name hurt now.

...Something else connects to the name, then. [He's not pushing, not asking.] You're allowed to shed the title if it no longer suits you, you know.

Mmm... I still have to think on it. It feels a bit odd to let go of the first name I've had here after having it for so long already, but...

[ He mulls over his thoughts a bit longer, before asking a different question entirely. ]

Chiron... [ no sir this time ] have you recalled any memories yet of being in love?

Oh. [He smiles, large and full, look dreamy and distant.] It was, in fact, the first memory I recalled. I was quite lucky that way.

[ Oh that look gets him to also smile. ]

Truly? My, that is indeed quite fortunate. I am happy for you friend that your first memory was such a nice one.

[ Presumably nice anyway given that smile. ]

Surely a memory that includes a boyfriend includes feelings for him? Ah--or did it not?

Ah... no, it did.

[ He looks back down. ]

He... his name was Patroclus and he was the leader of the village as well as the one who first found me. He didn't even have a second thought about helping me back then or about giving me a home. Through him I learned so many things; the ways of the world, the comfort of delicious food, the beauty of music, and of course, the joy of being in love.

And I truly loved him with everything I had. Every thing I did was so I could stay with him and make him happy, even becoming a man was all for him. He loved me as well, and the time we spent together made me so unspeakably happy.

But I also did not fully understand at the time that that's what those feelings were. Even calling him my boyfriend is something I can only do now with hindsight; it was plainly obvious to anyone with eyes that that's what our relationship was but the word- nay, the very idea of a "romantic partner" even was so foreign to me. I knew I felt something, but I was still too emotionally immature to understand any of it or put it into words.

And inevitably, that immaturity of mine led to me hurting him.

Edited 2021-01-27 02:19 (UTC)

[Gently, he takes one of Beast's hands in his.]

Did he know--rather, do you think that he knew that you did not understand? He surely would have forgiven you if so.

[ Oh... he stares at his hand in Chiron's for a moment before continuing. ]

..I'm sure he eventually realized it at least. Otherwise he wouldn't have said something like "I always forget you're not really a man."

[ And then, with the smallest hint of a grimace, ]

"You're just a beast, after all."

[ And whoop there it is. There's the reason he's not so keen on "Beast" anymore. ]

...My. [Aera had never said anything quite so cutting to him. Grouses, an occasional sharp word from quarreling lovers as one does. But that...] Terribly rude of him.

Especially given the context of your world. There's hardly anything just about being a beast, after all.

Oh, he had a knack for being terribly rude and sassy. But I feel he was a bit warranted with it this time.

Especially since he was trying to discuss the topic of getting married with me.

[And up go the eyebrows.] When you were still unclear on the topic of love? A bit...presumptuous of him, wasn't it?

A little bit I suppose but in his defense I feel... that he either had not realized or had forgotten that I was struggling with it. By that point we had been together for a very long, well more than a decade.

[ He can't... say exactly how long it was because time flows differently for him but he knows it was a long time for a mortal. ]

I can't exactly fault him for wanting to discuss the idea after that long, considering we were already essentially living like a married couple anyway. Nor can I blame him for feeling hurt when he got the wake up call that I still didn't understand how these things worked.

Edited 2021-01-27 08:55 (UTC)

But surely you worked it out? If you loved each other--if he loved you, truly, and you felt something even if you couldn't explain it.

[ Beast goes quiet again, and if Chiron still has his hand he might feel it clench closed. ]

We... worked it out that night, yes. I may have been emotionally immature in many ways but one thing I was always good at was picking up on when people were upset or angry, especially if it was my fault. [ Probably because you were severely gaslighted to think everything was your fault before you even met Patroclus but hey, don’t have those memories back yet. ] So I did my best to try and rectify the matter. I even tried to agree to marriage anyway to make him happy but he wouldn’t let me force myself to do anything I wasn’t yet ready for just for his sake.

...But things were no longer the same after that, I could tell. We stayed together for a few more years but I still couldn’t give him what he wanted from a long term relationship and he wasn’t getting any younger. Soon enough he broke up with me and I decided to go back into the forest to sleep for a while.

When I was finally able to see him again I learned that he had ultimately come to regret that decision... that he was never able to move on from me. But by that time it was too late; he was old and frail, speaking to me from his deathbed.

...I'm so sorry.

[There's not much more than that, is there? He can't imagine...]

At least, perhaps, it's better than not knowing?

[ He nods. ]

Yes, I would agree with that - I hate to think of the greater agony I would have felt otherwise. I... am very grateful that I had the chance to talk to him one more time and clear the air like that.

...The last thing he told the Beastials was that I was one of their kin now. That it was me that changed them into what they were now. He requested that they cherish and care for me in his stead, and I came to be known as their Guardian Beast. They absolutely adored me and I did the best I could to protect and take care of them.

But it was... a very long time before I felt that same way about anyone again. And once I finally understood my own heart, it was hard to not regret the time we lost because of my shortcomings.

But you grew up. As slowly as such a thing comes to someone who, I imagine, finds aging to be a funny little concept, hm? [If he is like unto an Astral, anyway.] You learned, and you grew from the mistakes of the past. And you were able to move onward, without forgetting who came before.

[ There is a relief that comes from hearing Chiron say that. Logically he knows that there is a stark difference between the strange, clueless creature that was Patroclus' lover and the elder man who had become Princess Odile's father, but with so much information and such strong feelings of regret all hitting him at once he felt himself waver. Felt himself become unsure of if he had actually grown at all. Hearing it now is a reassurance he didn't even realize would help ease his mind. ]

...I suppose I did after all, didn't I? Thank you, I feel like I needed to hear that from someone else just now.

Edited 2021-01-30 01:28 (UTC)

I can only hope that I'm right and not just talking out my backside!

[ He laughs. ]

I would hope so too. I would hate to make you a liar.

[ a pause ]

...I am not often one to talk much about myself but I appreciated this, Chiron.

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