cancry | It's alright if you don't know what you need

It's alright if you don't know what you need

[He knows he can't just walk away from the meeting and go back to hiding, running from his problems, pretending like it hasn't affected him. So as the meeting winds down Ruin, as subtly as he can manage especially after Wolfsbane called him out, just snags Lion's hand on the way out of the mansion. A weak smile, still looking rather dejected, but he nods in the direction of the train. Not to go up to Limbo, where a lot of the others are going, but... back down into Avaritia.]

Too many people up there... I... thought we could go to your apartment?

[Because they obviously need to talk, that's a given at this point. Ruin just doesn't want to be overheard.]

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[Ruin just rolls his eyes at the apology, dragging Lion along a little faster to get them out of the rain. Once they're inside he seems to relax a little at least, leaning over to shake out his hair like a wet dog, heaving a sigh of relief when he straightens back up.]

It's dry, that's the important part... do any of these have a couch or something?

Most of them are furnished. Follow me.

[He heads up the stairs and unlocks one of the apartments- clearly this is the one that he's done the most work on. A little messy with tools and paint cans here and there. But there is a couch and table, and a small fridge that he's been keeping snacks in]

[It might be a bit grungy but it's somewhere private, at least, and dry which makes a huge difference as far as the warmth goes. Of course so does the fact that, as soon as Lion shuts the door behind them, Ruin is pressing into his space, reaching up for a kiss if the other man will allow it. Just a soft moment to bask in his warmth before-

before he has to explain.]

[He's surprised after the last few days, but allows it, rubbing his hands up and down his arms- clearly something is Wrong. Once they break apart:]

Did something happen?

I... remembered some things...

[He shivers under the warm, comforting touch, leaning his head on Lion's shoulder for a moment. They should go sit down. It's... a lot. But he doesn't have it in him to pull away.]

It's... Not good is an understatement I think.

[He puts his arm around his shoulder to guide him to the couch without having to pull away]

Ah... that makes sense.

[Oh... that's nice. Very nice, really. Ruin settles onto the couch beside the blond, leaning against him, carefully positioning himself so he doesn't have to look him in the eye.]

I don't know... how much you want to hear, it's all pretty shitty. But it's cold in my home territory. Like snow so deep the horses can't get through it some winters and summer is maybe three months of lukewarm temperatures.

[A quiet little sound, uncertain and worried.]

...... Dying from exposure was a very real fear.

... the memory is causing the cold to affect you more harshly?

No... it's not that. I just...

[He shivers and even though he's not looking at Lion he still turns his head away.]

I know why I don't like it now... I... heh [Goddess, even now he can't stop himself from forcing out a huff of laughter, trying to dismiss it as something less than what it is.]

I almost died kind of a lot, when I was young. A lot of those were from being wet and cold.

Oh... I see.

[He pulls him a little closer to get some body heat]

You said you were likely a noble... do you recall how you ended up in such a dangerous state?

[ death by exposure was not something he would expect to befall a wealthy child multiple times ]

[Ruin laughed at the question, something dark and bitter that he swiftly tried to make more normal. But he was out of practice with the layers of lies and still shaken by the memories, by the wounds both emotional and physical that came with them.]

Oh uh... y'know... dumb kids.

...

If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to.

[ aka 'I think you're lying but I'm not going to be an asshole about it' ]

[Even that much is enough to make him shudder. No one had listened. No one had cared. He had died a little more day by day until he was almost sixteen and not once did anyone lift a brow, never mind a finger. He knew, somewhere in a logical part of his mind that it wasn't right or okay but at the same time it was so hard not to rationalize all his pain away.

He's quiet for a long moment, shifting restlessly, not even realizing that he's tearing at his cuticles with his nails. It doesn't hurt, not really, not compared to everything else. Pain was an old friend, his only constant companion.]

I have an older brother. But uh... he didn't have a crest.

[As though that explains everything perfectly.]

[His memory of crests is still foggier than Ruin's, but he knows they are important to inheritance]

...so he would not count as the first son, am I right?

[Slowly his mind works- if he lost his place at the firstborn then-]

Goddess-!

[The way he says the word, curses, really makes Ruin jump a little. Startled he finally looks up at Lion, worried, confused. He did something stupid again didn't he? He knew he wasn't supposed to talk about it, to make people worry, to reflect poorly on his House.

He doesn't know what to do, what to say, so he defaults back to the same thing he always does, always has. He laughs and shrugs dismissively, hoping to sweep whatever he'd done to upset the blond under the rug with so many other secrets.]

S-sorry, forget it.

Ruin, please, you did nothing wrong. Perhaps I am jumping to conclusions but... did your brother try to kill you?

[He hesitates, uncertain about whether he should say what he'd originally meant to or not. But... he's not there anymore. They're dead. And... and Lion has seen so much more than anyone ever has.]

Ah... y-yeah... a lot

[He wonders if that was how Ruin ended up -here-. If his brother finally managed it.]

Ruin... I'm sorry.

[it's in the past, but he knows memories feel like they are happening NOW a lot of the times- they do for him at least.]

[His breath comes out shaky but Lion didn't recoil or look down on him or dismiss it out of hand and no one has done that before, he doesn't remember the rest of his life but he feels that truth deep in his heart. No one has done that before.]

No one... ever said anything. I was a noble and I was always... covered in bruises, something broken more often than not, and I-

I wasn't supposed to make Father look bad.

Tch, your Father should have been the one protecting you, not defending it.

[He legit sounds a little angry]

[Lion sounds angry and... Ruin just looks guiltier? He doesn't even realize he's doing it but he does try to defend his father.]

I mean, it's not like he was the only one. Everyone knew. My friends knew, their parents knew, the House staff knew... it just... was part of how things worked, I guess. Everyone knew but no one wanted to say anything so they just... pretended they didn't see it.

[And then Lion sweeps in and just... acknowledges all these little broken pieces of him.]

[Lion is dense but not that dense- he notices when his anger was making Ruin uncomfortable. Not so different from when they first met, he realizes. And with budding horror: 'he is used to those that can promise violence. No wonder he disliked me on sight' and the guilt rushes over him like a wave. He softens his tone as much as he can, but lying is not his strong point]

You are safe now though. Here, with us.

[Was he? Was he really? With Lion?]

[As awkward and forced as it is the fact that he puts in the effort simultaneously makes Ruin feel guilty and touched. So he just smiles, a little sheepish. Clueless to Lion's own guilt he just curls closer to the blond, coaxing his arm around him once more. ]

I know no one can guarantee that but I do feel safe here... With you. I mean people's memories mess every one up. You should have seen me the day I remembered everything. It was pathetic. Chiron had to kick my ass down the stairs to get me to stop moping. Literally.

[He laughs as he says it, absolutely seeing nothing wrong with it. ]

[he was about to warn about his own dangers, but talk of Chiron utterly derails him]

He did what?!

[ A little spiteful teasing is not completely against character, but he's never known the older man to be so overtly cruel. Is he missing something??]

[Not to worry, Lion, nothing you can do would be worse than Miklan.]

I know I was being stupid about it... I... well was trying to climb the stairs even though I-

[He sighs, realizing that with the rain here he should take off his shoes lest his feet sit in wet socks and he just... never realizes it. So he toes off the dress shoes and, sure enough, peels off wet socks.]

The last time I remember Miklan- well the frostbite was really bad. I can't...feel any of this. [He pokes lightly at his toes and the furthermost areas of his foot itself with a little shrug.] I kept falling at first so I shouldn't have been on the stairs in the first place.

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